his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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