I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
