Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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