When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
