Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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