i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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