You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
