I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
