when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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