Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She told me I should be a condom model.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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