All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize