Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
