I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
