Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
