Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
