my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
why do cheetos always look like penises
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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