dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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