Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
