his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
