3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
