a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
