Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Randomize
