i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
