dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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