someone threw a dead crab at me
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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