I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You need Xanax blowdarts
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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