Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
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Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
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I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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