i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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