Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
