i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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