Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
My ATM looks so different sober.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
