I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My sheets look like a crime scene.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
