you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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