Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
