Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
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I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
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I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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