smell my finger.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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