She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
