I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
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We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
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If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it