Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
