Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
it's like iHOP with fire
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
