My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
i think i just lost a toe
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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