My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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