he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I can feel your judgement through the phone
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
