I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
