There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.