If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!