dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?