I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
