Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It was confusing and full of hummus
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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