My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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