My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
