What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
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we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
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If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
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