did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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