he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
