No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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