just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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