you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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