Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
